A Ninja Living in the Mr. Robot World

You all know the television show Mr. Robot. If you don't know it, don't worry... it will all make sense soon. Anyway, after the Yahoo data breach we think it's important to talk about digital security and our place in the world of business and communication. I mean, Rami Malek won an Emmy for his performance in Mr. Robot so of course we should listen to his character Elliot - the world depends on it. Business - I mean life - depends on it.

"[We are] spamming each other with our running commentary of bullshit, masquerading as insight, our social media faking as intimacy."

Really. How many more rants do we need to see on social media about politics, whiny boyfriends, your cubicle-mate's smelly lunch, or your client's ridiculous requests? Maybe it's time to unplug. Social media is eroding our society and sucking the soul out of us all. So - delete it all. No more Facebook timeline, no more insta filters, and no more Snapchat faces. Purge and focus on the important things IRL.

"There's a powerful group of people out there that are secretly running the world. I'm talking about the guys no one knows about, the ones that are invisible."

Sounds like all those years of hard work and no recognition doesn't matter! You actually rule the world and you can feel good about that. So keep typing, clicking and creating away. One day someone might bring you a crown [read: cookie]. 

"We're all living in each other's paranoia."

Now's the time to change all your passwords. Actually, we think you should change them at least 3 times a day. Go ahead, set the alarms on your phone as a reminder and then in a week, change the alarm times. They're watching. 

"No rest for the wicked."

That overtime? Working through lunch? Do you think Jett took a break? DB definitely didn't (we're honestly not sure what he does). So don't move further than a finger's click away from your computer. And if you're lucky someone might feel bad for you and bring you that last donut from the break room. Or not.

"I wanted to save the world."

Of course your work is making a difference. You're saving lives, making the world a better place. Every day we're closer to peace on Earth and solving world hunger and curing all the diseases. That's you. Pat yourself on the bat. Hero? You're a Ninja Hero.

Ninjas of the Week

It's that time again! No, not Naked Friday. It's time for the Ninja of the Week! Actually, it can be both things. Knock yourselves out.

5. Yip Pin Xiu

Singapore paralympic swimmer Yip Pin Xiu has won 2 gold medals at the 2016 Paralympics - one for the 100m Backstroke, and one for 50m Backstroke. She's the first local athlete in Singapore to win multiple medals. She's a rockstar, and definitely deserves a NOTW callout!

4. Corey Feldman

via GIPHY
Maybe Corey Feldman is a ninja. You know, ninjas are often considered weird, and do things that - out of context - might seem odd. That's about the only explanation we've got for Feldman's appearance on the Today Show with his new band this week. His dancing was a cross between Michael Jackson and Criss Angel. If, you know, both of them were drunk. At least it was... entertaining?

3. Russian Kitten

We dare you to watch this video and not cringe. This poor kitten was stuck on a Russian highway for THREE AND A HALF MINUTES in traffic, dodging cars like a... well, like a ninja. Finally, the kitten gets saved by a good samaritan who pulls over and rescues it from certain death.

2. Ants

Don't get us wrong - we hate ants. Like, HATE them. But you have to give them props for the way they work together and get stuff done. I wish our office was that efficient! Check out the article for not only facts about ants, but how to eliminate them from your office. The first step is not leaving any Red Vines behind at the end of the day...

1. Gideon Hodge

Man runs into burning home in Broadmoor for laptop with 2 completed novels @theadvocateno https://t.co/CQaRYrzwot pic.twitter.com/khIqc8Cr6F

— Matthew Hinton (@MattHintonPhoto) September 15, 2016

There's pretty much nothing in the Office Ninja office that we'd run back in to get if there was a fire - including our boss Daryl. But Gideon Hodge had not one but TWO completed novels on his computer, and no backup! So he fearlessly (stupidly?) ran back into his burning house to retrieve his laptop. If you learn nothing else from this post, back your stuff up in the cloud. We're sure our boss does that... with all his porn. Hence: DB.

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Ninja Sports

We here at Office Ninja Central love basketball. We can't get enough of it. Except Steve. He's not into sports. We're firing him soon. Anyway, we thought we'd give you our 5 favorite basketball players, ninja style - the player's last names spell out NINJA!

Nowitzki, Dirk

Dirk is a German player who has helped lead the Dallas Mavericks to 15 NBA Playoffs. He's also the first European player to play in the All-Star game. His mother was also a professional basketball player, and he just re-signed with the Mavericks for 50 million dollars! That's almost twice as much as we get paid...

Iverson, Allen

Allen Iverson is retired now, but he spent 15 years playing, most of those with the Philadelphia 76ers. His score-per-game average is 2nd only to Michael Jordan in playoff games. Obviously, he's in the Hall of Fame. Steve in our office is good at scoring too, but that's actually what's getting him fired...

Nash, Steve

Steve Nash, a Canadian basketball player, was an 8 time All-Star in his 19 year NBA career. He's considered one of the best shooters in the NBA, and on top of that, he's one of the most philanthropic people in the sport - Time magazine named him in the Top 100 Most Influential People in the World in 2006.

Jordan, Michael

Do we really need to introduce Jordan? He's the greatest basketball player of all time. All. Time. Heck, the word "Nike" is synonymous with "Jordan." He's won the MVP Award 5 times, he has the highest regular season scoring average. He's second only to Babe Ruth as the "Best Athlete of the Century." He spent all his years with the Chicago Bulls - he even retired and then came back for 3 years! Would YOU come back to your job post-retirement? 

Abdul-Jabbar, Kareem

Kareem spent most of his years with the Los Angeles Lakers, and played 20 seasons total in the NBA. He's one of the 50 Greatest Basketball Players of All Time, and at the time of his retirement, he led the NBA in points scored, games played, minutes played, field goal attempts, shots blocked... there's more, but you get the picture. Here in OUR office, we're first in staples removed, copies collated, beers chugged... uh, forget about that last one.

Ninjas of the Week

We know, it's Friday. The last place you want to be is behind your desk, your smelly boss breathing over your neck about that report you have no interest in finishing before you leave. We totally get it, because OUR smelly boss is standing over OUR shoulder, making us work every second up until 5pm. So let's talk about some people who don't have to work crappy jobs with smelly bosses.

5. ROMEO THE DOG

Romeo was stuck in the rubble, a victim of the Italy earthquake. But did he give up? Heck no! A ninja has to stay calm in tense situations, and save energy for when it's needed. Romeo barked for 9 days until officials found and freed him, and he was back with his owners with nary a scratch. What we want to know is what he ate while he was stuck in there for over a week. On second thought, we DON'T want to know...

4. TOM HOLLAND

Actor Tom Holland, also know as the new Spider-Man, is secretly a ninja in disguise. Tom, guided by his trainer, completed a sweet ass flip and spin while training to be what we think will be the best web-slinger ever. And he makes it look easy! I mean, we could totally do that move. If, you know, we ever put the box of donuts down.

3. VICTOR ORTIZ

Police officer Victor Ortiz risked his own life to save someone else's. Officer Ortiz pulled a man off of the New Jersey Transit train tracks RIGHT BEFORE the train came barreling through. Not only did he save the other man's life, he put his own in danger - he could have easily been pulled under the train himself! Officer Ortiz is a true hero, and ninja AF.

2. LINDA BURNEY

Linda Buney became to first indigenous woman to join the Australian House of Representatives this week. She was sworn in Wednesday. "If I can stand in this place, so can [other Aboriginal Islanders] — never let anyone tell you, you are limited by anything." A ninja not only stands up for what's right, they don't let anything keep them from their goals. We can't think of a better example than Linda.

1. JESSIE GRAFF

It's not enough that stuntwoman Jessie Graff is the stunt double for freaking Supergirl herself, Melissa Benoist, she's now the first female contestant to complete the Stage 1 obstacle course of the finals of American Ninja Warrior! I'm not sure that words can do her amazing performance justice, you just have to watch the video. She might be the baddest ass ninja we've ever had the privilege of covering on our site. Congratulations, Jessie!!

That's it for this week. Hopefully we killed enough time that your boss went to the bathroom and you can sneak out. Have a great holiday weekend, see you next week!!